Looking For A Way Out.

I’m so fucked up right now. I’ve been in such a bad mood lately. Depressed. And I’m being so stupid!

I’m being girly stupid. I’m hung up on this guy, who I barely fucking know. And it’s so obvious he only wants one thing from me. Sex, or some kind of hook up. I like him, I Like him. I mean, stupidly like. I wait for him to text me, every text I’m hoping it’s him. Usually it’s not, until late. And he wants to hang out, and make out, and I don’t know. I hung out with him, and of course he kissed me, and his kisses were wet and slobbery and gross. But it didn’t stop me from liking him. Like, I could change his kisses, I could make that better, but if he doesn’t like me the way I like him, I’m still fucked.

'Cause I don't want what he wants. I want something real. A relationship. But why I want it with him, I don't know. I just like him. A lot. He's just awesome. He's one of those guys that becomes best buds with strangers, and he'll open up to you and just babble on about his passions, and it's so beautiful the way he talks. He's real and honest and just one of those people you hear stories about and you know you want to meet that person. He's the life of the party.

He’s not even good looking, well, he is. But he’s not my type, he’s a chubby little guy, but it works for him. He’s husky, and it so works for him, and his face. Ehhh, it’s so not my type, but I love his face. I want to kiss his face, it makes me weak. Perfect height and he has this hair, ehh amazing hair. I love playing with his hair, I could lay on a couch and play with his hair for hours and just listen to him talk about all the things in his life and be completely amused.

But for some reason he doesn’t want what I want. I don’t know if this is just some phase of his, or if he’s just fed up of dating. And I don’t want to just make out and have sex. I want a connection and maybe he’s just not capable of that right now. And there’s nothing I can do about that.

I want to back off and just let things fall where the may and live with that. But I want this, I want it in a way that he’s mine and I’m his and we’re not in love, but at least longing for each other. I don’t want to be used…

I’m being so stupid. Girly stupid, where I can’t focus. I’m not high, but I want be so it’s okay for how stupid I’m being. I’ve never, ever been this hung up on a guy, that doesn’t even want a relationship. Normally I’m put off by it, but that’s him. He’s so great, he makes you forget about his flaws. 

I’m assuming though after tonight, I won’t really have to worry about it though, I doubt he’ll text me now.

Bitter Sweet.

I always go back on my word. I guess I wanted these things so much I was willing to risk feeling the pain again in the end. Somethings aren’t worth holding on for.

I threw my razor blades away. I sold my cigarettes. And said my good byes. If it’s not worth the time and money and effort, than why keep it.

Stranger.

I just want to laugh at your stupidity. And let you pick on me, because it makes me feel all childish and happy. I want to lay with my head in your lap while you tell me all the horrible things in your life and I tell you more of mine. I want to hold hands and joke about how rough yours are, but think secretly about how much I like the way they feel. I want to lay, cuddled up next to you, smell your skin and look into your eyes. I never really wanted to be friends.

Good night.

Honestly, a razor blade to my skin feels way better than venting to all my so called “friends”.

Lonely is what I am. But empty is how I feel.

I really want to go to Knott’s Berry Farm Halloween Haunt… Anyone want to join me?!

I’ve been smoking more and more cigarettes lately….